I thought I was getting better but I'm not. I don't want to die. I value being alive and my life. That's why it seems weird for me and probably other people that I have suicidal thoughts or death thoughts in my head. I just have suicide thoughts or thoughts of myself dying. I probably think these things because I just want to end these constant miserable thoughts about my life. My life is just so awful thanks to myself.
I just wish I didn't put myself in this position. I used to think what I did was making me happy. the choices I made I thought were right but in the end they obviously weren't because this is what is left of me. I'm not happy. If I had made the right choices now even if I'm just sitting here I would be happy. Even if I was doing homework, listening to music, drawing, doing whatever. Or just not even doing much I would be happy. But I'm not. Why was I so dumb!?
I don't know do guys even get this depressed? I guess I'm a weak guy. There's just too many things going on. It's so sad that everything I used to not believe is true. Everything I thought was right was wrong. Every choice I made turned out to make me turn even more depressed with age.
I guess life wasn't as simple as I thought.
The woman I love will get married with another man. I just don't want to think about her but I can't. Maybe it was never meant to be for us. I wish I never had any feelings for her. I just can't stand but I think of them together and it hurts.
I'm short and unhappy about it.
I hate my looks. But to be honest I can actually live with that now.
My health is fucked up and my body is not functioning as it used to or like a normal man.
I've accomplished nothing in life, I've just made mistakes. Mistakes that now haunt me on every turn. I don't mind doing bad on a test because I don't think that affects my personality or quality of life but everything that I have done have made my personality, quality of life, self-worth basically equal nothing.
I lost everything that has to do with me. I gained depression. I gained a crap of a life. I just wish I could start over. I lost a lot of the most important things to me. A satisfying life is not what I have. I have a sad life. Now I fully understand why I was sad all along it wasn't as simple as my acne. That was just covering something uglier that I couldn't see. My bad quality of life. My unsatisfying life. The important things I've lost. Childhood, experiences, learning skills, friends, a girl that I loved, a personality, happiness. I haven't lost it all but a lot of the chunk of my important tings have been lost. Maybe even with all of these things I would not be satisfied but satisfying enough so that I'm at least happy with my life. I can't even be that right now. I'm just so tired. I can't sleep anymore. I just don't want to sleep half the time. I'm grateful for what I have. I don't want to seem like I'm not. I just wish I at least made the right choices. In the end maybe I still wouldn't be tall beautiful, get the girl, be popular, have the best childhood/teenage/adult life. But just being able to have a decent one would have been nice. Just having those experiences would have been nice. Instead I chose a different path which just led to shitty and awful experiences in life that I didn't want but gave myself because I was stupid.