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25 April 2009 @ 08:19 pm
Today has been the worst day ever.
I've had days like this where I did nothing or not much anyway.
I don't know why I never felt the way I do now. I feel so insignificant.
I don't know why I didn't see it sooner. There were so many patterns. Like how I'd say the grade before it was better than the one in the present. Why didn't I see that sign? Why didn't I plan ahead? Sigh...
21 April 2009 @ 06:59 pm
I love being a guy because well there are some things that come easier being a guy. No need for make up, plucking eyebrows, maintanence in general. Well except of course haircuts and facial-hair and other stuff but we have it better than the girls in the look department.
However I think other things that are expected of men are harder.
To be the head of the family. To take care of this and that. Etc. Etc.
We have to be tall, handsome, etc....
Sucks. Really sucks living this life.
I love a lot of being a guy, but I hate a lot about being a guy.
For women socializing is so much easier. People don't pass judgement on you as much. Being a girl you can get away with so much. You can be petite. If a guy is short he is seen as less of a man. This sucks. It sucks more when you don't think of these things as a child. You don't think to be healthy. I never really learned about "health" in the deep sense where I understood what to eat until i looked it up myself. I feel like health should be part of the curriculum when you are even in pre-k.
17 April 2009 @ 11:39 pm
For this whole week I've been moping. My mom cried telling me how all she wants is for her children to be happy and healthy. I thought I had all that but I guess I don't. I am not happy, because I just realized all the mistakes that I've made. I guess a part of me knew I was fucked up I remember calling my cousin and basically telling him how I went out alone. I am such a loner. They say you choose to be a loner and I agree I do choose to be a loner. I never thought I had to be or try to be someone and I didn't. I became someone I hated. I never had a goal of what I wanted to become but I know how I am is nothing like what I want to be.
I know maybe many people have other issues. I'm sure they do. I feel like I've lived my life as someone else. Yeah many people say I can change now, I did that I lost weight and started to eat healthy. But how do I make up for the time I lost and the experience I could have gained if I hadn't been an addicted kid. I never understood exercise was so fun. I used to be such a child. Even running and jumping by myself. I always thought it would be painful. But it's so fun. However as I started jogging and losing weight I realized I wasted my life being fat and unhealthy and having bad skin.
Not only that I always used to feel so ugly. Meanwhile I didn't even get that much acne yet. Now I've got scars all over. Sigh.
Every time I do anything I just realized I could have done these things while I was younger. I would have been so much happier now. Even doing boring stuff like running and actually trying to exercise more than my fingers. I can't help it. I guess I never saw being lazy as a bad thing but I realize being so lazy made me felt like an outcast and in turn made me feel like a loser and therefore made me a loner.
I can try now but every time I try to be better I just see how much better if I had tried to be like this earlier. I used to be so fearful but I see all the fears would have been gone if I saw life as a one chance thing. Everything you do you only get one chance. The second chance shit is bull crap. Sigh. Sadly. I never knew. Sometimes I'm so mad no one told me. I'm so mad, so angry but mostly I just hate myself. I wish I would have seen life differently. I lost so much. I feel like I lost myself in trying to find myself. I was always there. I just didn't want to look at it that simply. I always wanted to be different. Now that's all that I'll be different. Maybe it's my personality, but I don't believe in destiny. I believe only in choices and as a person I made all the wrong ones there was to make. I look at people like me and I want to tap them on the shoulder and tell them to wake up, but sometimes I feel I can't even help myself who am I to help someone else?
12 April 2009 @ 04:48 pm
So today I had a talk with my mom. She said no matter what she is going to accept me for me. That was both nice and unhappy to hear.
The problem is me. I'm glad she accepts me for the nobody that I am, but I can't. I can't accept that I'm not tall. Or whatever else. I don't have to have it turn out perfect it's the experience that I wanted. I just wanted to have had the experience of trying to get taller, or what not. That's the thing. However I used to be fine not having that experience. Growing older I see that it does in fact effect me. Maybe because now I have much more time to reflect. But probably also because now everything seems so old. I'm so sick of going to school. I'm so sick of whatever. And because the rides to school are so long and I don't see anyone I get more time for myself to reflect whereas before I walked to school with my cousin or aunt and I would go to school with a bunch of people that I either knew or were from my school and I didn't think back then.
I know I can't change the past which is why I'm constantly in this state. I see all younger generations and I finally see how happy they are when I was so not truly content back then. I was happy, but not fully or truly happy. However I felt satisfied about it to some degree. But now I realize I really was never fully satisfied. I want to just tell my mom I'm good but I'm bad. Real bad. I'm so sick that it's insane. I really just want to tell her mom I'm going to be able to get through this. But I can't. I'll never be able to unless I can go back in time and I can't.
I hate living like this. 20 years ago I was fine. As I grew older there were ups and downs. More downs, but I got threw them. The one thing I didn't see was my inability to see the realist down, which was the mindset I was in back then. I didn't see how I was thinking like a child and fucked up my life.
I finally started waking up after being a child and see that I have fucked up but I can't get over it. I'm just so tired. I just really want to fix things. I wish I had a guide. I want to not let each day pass by but I can't help but feel sadness each day. I lost everything in order to now finally gain wisdom in life that I needed 20 years ago. I just don't want to wake up anymore. I was so silly to be like this. I was so silly to not see my issues. I was so silly to be a child. Why did I have to think like a child as well?
11 April 2009 @ 02:10 pm
I've been getting closer and closer to death.
I've been crying my eyes out. I think it's a record for a guy.
I'm just so angry with myself and others around me.
I made such awful choices. Sure my cousin isn't the best looking tallest person, but I feel like at least she did something about it. I used to be okay with myself. But as I grew older I saw all the bad in myself.
09 April 2009 @ 10:41 pm
I'm going to get kicked out of school soon again. I can't go to class I have no heart in it anymore. I'm just doomed for life. Why didn't I wake up when I was a child? Why have I been sleeping. I read this book recently, it's made me realize what I should have realize as a child. That I have the power to change anything, I could have prevented who I was today if I woke up from dreaming all along. From playing. From being so innocent. I went through so much and yet. And yet I feel like I've learned nothing and lost everything. I want to blame all the people I know. They never helped me. And I do. But what has that helped me do now? Nothing. I blame myself. I am the ultimate culprit. Arrest me. Lock me up now. I'm going insane.
31 March 2009 @ 01:33 pm
I'm trying to be happy but it just doesn't work. I can't ever be happy with myself. I try but at the end I just can't be. I also understand people have it worst than me. I know. I can finally say I would accept being who I was if I had done differently. Meaning if I had ate healthy still had acne I would accept it. If I had slept early and did everything else within my power diet, exercise, sunlight and other shit to grow taller and I was still this height I would accept it.
If I still was chunky by being healthy before I would accept it. If I had told her how I felt and she rejected me at that time I would accept it. The problem is I can't accept it when I didn't do anything about it then. I would be fine with everything if I was the way I am now when I did something about it. Everything I didn't do or did leaves me with these regrets. I mean sure I know I can't have everything I want which is why I say I wish I tried to get it and even if I didn't get it then I would be happy. I just can't accept the fact when I didn't even get to try to get it.
23 March 2009 @ 12:34 pm
As the days go by everything just seems clearer and clearer. I just see more and more faults. I try and just stop thinking but I can't. The moment I see those people who are a part of my regret or see how others are doing so much better I'm just so down.
It's something I don't know how to explain I just feel this way.
I know it's me that's making myself feel this way but there's just so much. I feel I don't measure up in anyway not to mention damages I've done to myself.
I know all my self esteem issues need to be let gone but I just can't.
Right now however the hardest thing for me is damaging myself.
Second to that is this girl I like. Or rather this girl is a cousin or something of some sort I know I guess I sound like some sick fool. I'm not into incest or anything.
To be honest some people have said we're not even cousins so I don't know whose really telling what...
Maybe I'm just so wrong as a person. We are what you can call grew up together or childhood sweethearts. Although I guess this is in the most unnatural way.
The whole cousin thing and other things held me back from telling her how I felt about her, still I can't stop thinking about her. I know it is just one-sided probably but yeah I just can't help but keep thinking about her. I try to stop but then when I see her the emotions and thoughts come flooding back. I don't know if it's because I avoided these feelings before, although I don't think they are even normal. With this happening I'm starting to wonder about the whole idea of having more than one person that's right for you. I used to always think there was someone else out there but I don't what it is but there is something in me that never lets me forget her no matter how hard I try. I guess there is no such thing as someone is meant for you because if there was could you actually pass up on them then?

I guess I'm just getting more and more weird by the day.
I hate so much about myself but I think if I could be able to heal my body I could live with the flaws.
04 March 2009 @ 09:15 am
I always thought I was ugly. And to a degree I do fit that category. But to be honest I don't focus on my looks anymore. I used to be upset why I couldn't be more handsome and feel like why was I born. I realize that isn't that important to me. But what is, is the fact that I've been living my life full of mistakes and lies. From the beginning of my life I was being sad and upset over useless things and basically I did things that I thought made me happy but only made my life slowly but surely grow into complete misery.
Sure many will be like why are you depressed and etc. Well I'm one of those people that don't believe in "everything happens for a reason" or destiny. I mean sure sometimes people that never wished they were dead die and etc. That happened to my cousin, those are the only exceptions I make. But even then I don't believe in destiny or the fact that someone was born this way. Yes I was born not so handsome looking. But there are SO many things that make you who you are that are your choice. I know that I spent my whole life thinking I love art. But art is the same thing that ruined my life. I spent my whole life thinking it would be okay that I didn't do this or that, but it wasn't it ruined my life. So basically everything I did has ruined my life. It has and it was a choice of mine. No one said here MAKE this decision it is DESTINY. You can be born into the world in a bad condition or not be the hottest kid on the block but as for what happens in life is not destiny I think. I don't consider anything I've done to be what I was destined to do. Sure I might not have turned out to be Bill Gates but I know I would have been much better off than I am at this point.
There is nothing left for me here anymore. I just don't get why I made these decisions. It was however a conscious choice. It was something I thought was right for me, but in reality I was just lying to myself in order to not face reality.
All those times I told grandma that I didn't care about my height and how I used to be hate her for it. That was all BULLSHIT. I did care. The whole time that's why I was so upset because I went on BELIEVING I didn't care when in actuality I did. I just didn't want to face the reality that she was right and that height does affect people(at least me).
All those times my dad told me that I liked Sue. I did I just didn't want to face up to it. I kept on pretending I didn't like those girls that he kept saying I did. I liked almost all of them. I didn't want to own up to the fact that I liked Sue because of a lot of reasons. But most of all I didn't want to face reality. I didn't want to face my actual problem or situation. The fact that I really did infact like her. I was so obsessed with her that I'm just going insane. Now I don't even speak to her when I see her. I can't because she sees me as a cousin, which I guess we are, but not really. I don't know maybe I'm just sick in the head.
I can't stop thinking about her. I think that letting her go and be with other guys and not having a future with her is one of the most awful things I've done. I lost my best friend and possibly one of the loves of my life.
I thought all I wanted to do for life was to be an artist. But in actuality, that was the thing that was holding me back in life. It made me into a moody person and someone that was so not keen on expressing his feelings. Now I don't want to say this is what art does to everyone but I know it had this effect on me. I couldn't just be me. I was always hiding behind a wall of sadness. That sadness was art. I used it to channel my energy. I spent so much of my life dedicating myself to art, but in actuality this is one of the pure reasons why I'm sad today. I was so into art that I didn't see any other options. And now I just don't know how I feel about art anymore. I'm starting to hate it more with every passing day.
I was always looking for attention and doing things that I thought were fun or made me happy but in actuality all those things I've done have only disabled me into developing as a human as a person. It just made me crippled in my ability to put myself at the fullest potential.
I could go on and on but basically. I'm miserable. Can I get out of my misery? Sure. I've been getting out of it these past few days. The problem is it'll never fully be out of my system. It'll be there always so in reality. I can never truly just be happy, unless something happens. I forget my past and everything before this point on and no one will remind or remember it either. Or the past is not there anymore. Or I get to relieve my life. None of which are possibilities, sadly.
02 March 2009 @ 11:51 am
I thought I was getting better but I'm not. I don't want to die. I value being alive and my life. That's why it seems weird for me and probably other people that I have suicidal thoughts or death thoughts in my head. I just have suicide thoughts or thoughts of myself dying. I probably think these things because I just want to end these constant miserable thoughts about my life. My life is just so awful thanks to myself.
I just wish I didn't put myself in this position. I used to think what I did was making me happy. the choices I made I thought were right but in the end they obviously weren't because this is what is left of me. I'm not happy. If I had made the right choices now even if I'm just sitting here I would be happy. Even if I was doing homework, listening to music, drawing, doing whatever. Or just not even doing much I would be happy. But I'm not. Why was I so dumb!?

I don't know do guys even get this depressed? I guess I'm a weak guy. There's just too many things going on. It's so sad that everything I used to not believe is true. Everything I thought was right was wrong. Every choice I made turned out to make me turn even more depressed with age.
I guess life wasn't as simple as I thought.
The woman I love will get married with another man. I just don't want to think about her but I can't. Maybe it was never meant to be for us. I wish I never had any feelings for her. I just can't stand but I think of them together and it hurts.
I'm short and unhappy about it.
I hate my looks. But to be honest I can actually live with that now.
My health is fucked up and my body is not functioning as it used to or like a normal man.
I've accomplished nothing in life, I've just made mistakes. Mistakes that now haunt me on every turn. I don't mind doing bad on a test because I don't think that affects my personality or quality of life but everything that I have done have made my personality, quality of life, self-worth basically equal nothing.
I lost everything that has to do with me. I gained depression. I gained a crap of a life. I just wish I could start over. I lost a lot of the most important things to me. A satisfying life is not what I have. I have a sad life. Now I fully understand why I was sad all along it wasn't as simple as my acne. That was just covering something uglier that I couldn't see. My bad quality of life. My unsatisfying life. The important things I've lost. Childhood, experiences, learning skills, friends, a girl that I loved, a personality, happiness. I haven't lost it all but a lot of the chunk of my important tings have been lost. Maybe even with all of these things I would not be satisfied but satisfying enough so that I'm at least happy with my life. I can't even be that right now. I'm just so tired. I can't sleep anymore. I just don't want to sleep half the time. I'm grateful for what I have. I don't want to seem like I'm not. I just wish I at least made the right choices. In the end maybe I still wouldn't be tall beautiful, get the girl, be popular, have the best childhood/teenage/adult life. But just being able to have a decent one would have been nice. Just having those experiences would have been nice. Instead I chose a different path which just led to shitty and awful experiences in life that I didn't want but gave myself because I was stupid.