Today has been the worst day ever.
I've had days like this where I did nothing or not much anyway.
I don't know why I never felt the way I do now. I feel so insignificant.
I don't know why I didn't see it sooner. There were so many patterns. Like how I'd say the grade before it was better than the one in the present. Why didn't I see that sign? Why didn't I plan ahead? Sigh...

I love being a guy because well there are some things that come easier being a guy. No need for make up, plucking eyebrows, maintanence in general. Well except of course haircuts and facial-hair and other stuff but we have it better than the girls in the look department.
However I think other things that are expected of men are harder.
To be the head of the family. To take care of this and that. Etc. Etc.
We have to be tall, handsome, etc....
Sucks. Really sucks living this life.
I love a lot of being a guy, but I hate a lot about being a guy.
For women socializing is so much easier. People don't pass judgement on you as much. Being a girl you can get away with so much. You can be petite. If a guy is short he is seen as less of a man. This sucks. It sucks more when you don't think of these things as a child. You don't think to be healthy. I never really learned about "health" in the deep sense where I understood what to eat until i looked it up myself. I feel like health should be part of the curriculum when you are even in pre-k.

For this whole week I've been moping. My mom cried telling me how all she wants is for her children to be happy and healthy. I thought I had all that but I guess I don't. I am not happy, because I just realized all the mistakes that I've made. I guess a part of me knew I was fucked up I remember calling my cousin and basically telling him how I went out alone. I am such a loner. They say you choose to be a loner and I agree I do choose to be a loner. I never thought I had to be or try to be someone and I didn't. I became someone I hated. I never had a goal of what I wanted to become but I know how I am is nothing like what I want to be.
I know maybe many people have other issues. I'm sure they do. I feel like I've lived my life as someone else. Yeah many people say I can change now, I did that I lost weight and started to eat healthy. But how do I make up for the time I lost and the experience I could have gained if I hadn't been an addicted kid. I never understood exercise was so fun. I used to be such a child. Even running and jumping by myself. I always thought it would be painful. But it's so fun. However as I started jogging and losing weight I realized I wasted my life being fat and unhealthy and having bad skin.
Not only that I always used to feel so ugly. Meanwhile I didn't even get that much acne yet. Now I've got scars all over. Sigh.
Every time I do anything I just realized I could have done these things while I was younger. I would have been so much happier now. Even doing boring stuff like running and actually trying to exercise more than my fingers. I can't help it. I guess I never saw being lazy as a bad thing but I realize being so lazy made me felt like an outcast and in turn made me feel like a loser and therefore made me a loner.
I can try now but every time I try to be better I just see how much better if I had tried to be like this earlier. I used to be so fearful but I see all the fears would have been gone if I saw life as a one chance thing. Everything you do you only get one chance. The second chance shit is bull crap. Sigh. Sadly. I never knew. Sometimes I'm so mad no one told me. I'm so mad, so angry but mostly I just hate myself. I wish I would have seen life differently. I lost so much. I feel like I lost myself in trying to find myself. I was always there. I just didn't want to look at it that simply. I always wanted to be different. Now that's all that I'll be different. Maybe it's my personality, but I don't believe in destiny. I believe only in choices and as a person I made all the wrong ones there was to make. I look at people like me and I want to tap them on the shoulder and tell them to wake up, but sometimes I feel I can't even help myself who am I to help someone else?

So today I had a talk with my mom. She said no matter what she is going to accept me for me. That was both nice and unhappy to hear.
The problem is me. I'm glad she accepts me for the nobody that I am, but I can't. I can't accept that I'm not tall. Or whatever else. I don't have to have it turn out perfect it's the experience that I wanted. I just wanted to have had the experience of trying to get taller, or what not. That's the thing. However I used to be fine not having that experience. Growing older I see that it does in fact effect me. Maybe because now I have much more time to reflect. But probably also because now everything seems so old. I'm so sick of going to school. I'm so sick of whatever. And because the rides to school are so long and I don't see anyone I get more time for myself to reflect whereas before I walked to school with my cousin or aunt and I would go to school with a bunch of people that I either knew or were from my school and I didn't think back then.
I know I can't change the past which is why I'm constantly in this state. I see all younger generations and I finally see how happy they are when I was so not truly content back then. I was happy, but not fully or truly happy. However I felt satisfied about it to some degree. But now I realize I really was never fully satisfied. I want to just tell my mom I'm good but I'm bad. Real bad. I'm so sick that it's insane. I really just want to tell her mom I'm going to be able to get through this. But I can't. I'll never be able to unless I can go back in time and I can't.
I hate living like this. 20 years ago I was fine. As I grew older there were ups and downs. More downs, but I got threw them. The one thing I didn't see was my inability to see the realist down, which was the mindset I was in back then. I didn't see how I was thinking like a child and fucked up my life.
I finally started waking up after being a child and see that I have fucked up but I can't get over it. I'm just so tired. I just really want to fix things. I wish I had a guide. I want to not let each day pass by but I can't help but feel sadness each day. I lost everything in order to now finally gain wisdom in life that I needed 20 years ago. I just don't want to wake up anymore. I was so silly to be like this. I was so silly to not see my issues. I was so silly to be a child. Why did I have to think like a child as well?

I've been getting closer and closer to death.
I've been crying my eyes out. I think it's a record for a guy.
I'm just so angry with myself and others around me.
I made such awful choices. Sure my cousin isn't the best looking tallest person, but I feel like at least she did something about it. I used to be okay with myself. But as I grew older I saw all the bad in myself.

I'm going to get kicked out of school soon again. I can't go to class I have no heart in it anymore. I'm just doomed for life. Why didn't I wake up when I was a child? Why have I been sleeping. I read this book recently, it's made me realize what I should have realize as a child. That I have the power to change anything, I could have prevented who I was today if I woke up from dreaming all along. From playing. From being so innocent. I went through so much and yet. And yet I feel like I've learned nothing and lost everything. I want to blame all the people I know. They never helped me. And I do. But what has that helped me do now? Nothing. I blame myself. I am the ultimate culprit. Arrest me. Lock me up now. I'm going insane.

I'm trying to be happy but it just doesn't work. I can't ever be happy with myself. I try but at the end I just can't be. I also understand people have it worst than me. I know. I can finally say I would accept being who I was if I had done differently. Meaning if I had ate healthy still had acne I would accept it. If I had slept early and did everything else within my power diet, exercise, sunlight and other shit to grow taller and I was still this height I would accept it.
If I still was chunky by being healthy before I would accept it. If I had told her how I felt and she rejected me at that time I would accept it. The problem is I can't accept it when I didn't do anything about it then. I would be fine with everything if I was the way I am now when I did something about it. Everything I didn't do or did leaves me with these regrets. I mean sure I know I can't have everything I want which is why I say I wish I tried to get it and even if I didn't get it then I would be happy. I just can't accept the fact when I didn't even get to try to get it.

As the days go by everything just seems clearer and clearer. I just see more and more faults. I try and just stop thinking but I can't. The moment I see those people who are a part of my regret or see how others are doing so much better I'm just so down.
It's something I don't know how to explain I just feel this way.
I know it's me that's making myself feel this way but there's just so much. I feel I don't measure up in anyway not to mention damages I've done to myself.
I know all my self esteem issues need to be let gone but I just can't.
Right now however the hardest thing for me is damaging myself.
Second to that is this girl I like. Or rather this girl is a cousin or something of some sort I know I guess I sound like some sick fool. I'm not into incest or anything.
To be honest some people have said we're not even cousins so I don't know whose really telling what...
Maybe I'm just so wrong as a person. We are what you can call grew up together or childhood sweethearts. Although I guess this is in the most unnatural way.
The whole cousin thing and other things held me back from telling her how I felt about her, still I can't stop thinking about her. I know it is just one-sided probably but yeah I just can't help but keep thinking about her. I try to stop but then when I see her the emotions and thoughts come flooding back. I don't know if it's because I avoided these feelings before, although I don't think they are even normal. With this happening I'm starting to wonder about the whole idea of having more than one person that's right for you. I used to always think there was someone else out there but I don't what it is but there is something in me that never lets me forget her no matter how hard I try. I guess there is no such thing as someone is meant for you because if there was could you actually pass up on them then?

I guess I'm just getting more and more weird by the day.
I hate so much about myself but I think if I could be able to heal my body I could live with the flaws.

I always thought I was ugly. And to a degree I do fit that category. But to be honest I don't focus on my looks anymore. I used to be upset why I couldn't be more handsome and feel like why was I born. I realize that isn't that important to me. But what is, is the fact that I've been living my life full of mistakes and lies. From the beginning of my life I was being sad and upset over useless things and basically I did things that I thought made me happy but only made my life slowly but surely grow into complete misery.
Sure many will be like why are you depressed and etc. Well I'm one of those people that don't believe in "everything happens for a reason" or destiny. I mean sure sometimes people that never wished they were dead die and etc. That happened to my cousin, those are the only exceptions I make. But even then I don't believe in destiny or the fact that someone was born this way. Yes I was born not so handsome looking. But there are SO many things that make you who you are that are your choice. I know that I spent my whole life thinking I love art. But art is the same thing that ruined my life. I spent my whole life thinking it would be okay that I didn't do this or that, but it wasn't it ruined my life. So basically everything I did has ruined my life. It has and it was a choice of mine. No one said here MAKE this decision it is DESTINY. You can be born into the world in a bad condition or not be the hottest kid on the block but as for what happens in life is not destiny I think. I don't consider anything I've done to be what I was destined to do. Sure I might not have turned out to be Bill Gates but I know I would have been much better off than I am at this point.
There is nothing left for me here anymore. I just don't get why I made these decisions. It was however a conscious choice. It was something I thought was right for me, but in reality I was just lying to myself in order to not face reality.
All those times I told grandma that I didn't care about my height and how I used to be hate her for it. That was all BULLSHIT. I did care. The whole time that's why I was so upset because I went on BELIEVING I didn't care when in actuality I did. I just didn't want to face the reality that she was right and that height does affect people(at least me).
All those times my dad told me that I liked Sue. I did I just didn't want to face up to it. I kept on pretending I didn't like those girls that he kept saying I did. I liked almost all of them. I didn't want to own up to the fact that I liked Sue because of a lot of reasons. But most of all I didn't want to face reality. I didn't want to face my actual problem or situation. The fact that I really did infact like her. I was so obsessed with her that I'm just going insane. Now I don't even speak to her when I see her. I can't because she sees me as a cousin, which I guess we are, but not really. I don't know maybe I'm just sick in the head.
I can't stop thinking about her. I think that letting her go and be with other guys and not having a future with her is one of the most awful things I've done. I lost my best friend and possibly one of the loves of my life.
I thought all I wanted to do for life was to be an artist. But in actuality, that was the thing that was holding me back in life. It made me into a moody person and someone that was so not keen on expressing his feelings. Now I don't want to say this is what art does to everyone but I know it had this effect on me. I couldn't just be me. I was always hiding behind a wall of sadness. That sadness was art. I used it to channel my energy. I spent so much of my life dedicating myself to art, but in actuality this is one of the pure reasons why I'm sad today. I was so into art that I didn't see any other options. And now I just don't know how I feel about art anymore. I'm starting to hate it more with every passing day.
I was always looking for attention and doing things that I thought were fun or made me happy but in actuality all those things I've done have only disabled me into developing as a human as a person. It just made me crippled in my ability to put myself at the fullest potential.
I could go on and on but basically. I'm miserable. Can I get out of my misery? Sure. I've been getting out of it these past few days. The problem is it'll never fully be out of my system. It'll be there always so in reality. I can never truly just be happy, unless something happens. I forget my past and everything before this point on and no one will remind or remember it either. Or the past is not there anymore. Or I get to relieve my life. None of which are possibilities, sadly.

I thought I was getting better but I'm not. I don't want to die. I value being alive and my life. That's why it seems weird for me and probably other people that I have suicidal thoughts or death thoughts in my head. I just have suicide thoughts or thoughts of myself dying. I probably think these things because I just want to end these constant miserable thoughts about my life. My life is just so awful thanks to myself.
I just wish I didn't put myself in this position. I used to think what I did was making me happy. the choices I made I thought were right but in the end they obviously weren't because this is what is left of me. I'm not happy. If I had made the right choices now even if I'm just sitting here I would be happy. Even if I was doing homework, listening to music, drawing, doing whatever. Or just not even doing much I would be happy. But I'm not. Why was I so dumb!?

I don't know do guys even get this depressed? I guess I'm a weak guy. There's just too many things going on. It's so sad that everything I used to not believe is true. Everything I thought was right was wrong. Every choice I made turned out to make me turn even more depressed with age.
I guess life wasn't as simple as I thought.
The woman I love will get married with another man. I just don't want to think about her but I can't. Maybe it was never meant to be for us. I wish I never had any feelings for her. I just can't stand but I think of them together and it hurts.
I'm short and unhappy about it.
I hate my looks. But to be honest I can actually live with that now.
My health is fucked up and my body is not functioning as it used to or like a normal man.
I've accomplished nothing in life, I've just made mistakes. Mistakes that now haunt me on every turn. I don't mind doing bad on a test because I don't think that affects my personality or quality of life but everything that I have done have made my personality, quality of life, self-worth basically equal nothing.
I lost everything that has to do with me. I gained depression. I gained a crap of a life. I just wish I could start over. I lost a lot of the most important things to me. A satisfying life is not what I have. I have a sad life. Now I fully understand why I was sad all along it wasn't as simple as my acne. That was just covering something uglier that I couldn't see. My bad quality of life. My unsatisfying life. The important things I've lost. Childhood, experiences, learning skills, friends, a girl that I loved, a personality, happiness. I haven't lost it all but a lot of the chunk of my important tings have been lost. Maybe even with all of these things I would not be satisfied but satisfying enough so that I'm at least happy with my life. I can't even be that right now. I'm just so tired. I can't sleep anymore. I just don't want to sleep half the time. I'm grateful for what I have. I don't want to seem like I'm not. I just wish I at least made the right choices. In the end maybe I still wouldn't be tall beautiful, get the girl, be popular, have the best childhood/teenage/adult life. But just being able to have a decent one would have been nice. Just having those experiences would have been nice. Instead I chose a different path which just led to shitty and awful experiences in life that I didn't want but gave myself because I was stupid.

I'm just fading away. I don't want to die. But the fact that my body is this fucked up is making me feel like crap. I just don't want to let go. But I'm just hanging by the thread. I know there is no cure. Please let there be a cure. I don't have that long of a time left.

I wish I could say I just don't have friends and that was it. To be honest that would be better than how I feel now. I've now basically isolated myself. I realized how fucked up I made my life. This has basically caused me to isolate myself further. It has sent me straight into depression because I know see what my problem was all along. I just have one too many regrets in life. Too many mistakes I made and a whole lot of depression.

I could just hang out with friends but I wouldn't feel right anymore. Now more than ever. I realized I did something so stupid. I have changed my future yet again. It is the thing I realized I don't want to do anymore. Make my future worst than it already is. I already hate so much of my life. But now I have to add another hole of something to be sad about. I'm just going no where. I can't believe I made this mistake. I'll never have a normal life again now. Basically that whole 2007-2008 was the worst year of my life.

I've been crying like it's my job. The suicide thoughts are crowding my mind. I'm just losing it more day by day. Apart from my recent problem, the fact that I'm a messed up person is just driving me into insanity. I don't know what else to do with my life. I am grateful for the people in my life family, friends yet at the same time I hate them. Or some of them anyway.
I just feel like my life is just falling into nothingness. I'm dying with every passing second. I just drown in sorrow. I just want to let go of everything. I just don't have strength anymore. My mistakes have piled up I've learned from my mistakes but I can't even be satisfied enough with my life to be not sad. Most people can at least be satisfied enough to not be sad but me I just can't. I try but still the sadness is there. I try but I realize my past has made me into this sad loner that I am. I can't be happy no matter how many people I surround myself with. I can't be happy no matter how many times I laugh. I just don't feel normal. I just want to be normal. That's all I ever wanted. I just want a simple life. I don't need the riches. I just want what everyone else has.

This is why it's hard to be different. I know with my conditions people would make fun of me too. That's why I won't judge people, because I have so many different health conditions and my body does not function like other people do and if I told anyone they would basically call me disabled or whatever. It's hard especially in today's society. If your different your screwed. See in my case I guess people will be like I deserved it because I wasn't BORN with my conditions I gave myself these conditions. Was it ultimately something I just wanted to do? Nope. I love my body and didn't think with intelligence that certain things could happen because I am dumb but this child or any person that has head trauma from some accident didn't want that to happen. Same with people who fall jump off a building to commit suicide. Yes they chose to do it but if they lived and had a broken leg I don't think they intended to do it. Sure you can say it was there fault but like me they probably weren't in a right state of mind I know I wasted a long time doing things that I thought were improving myself meanwhile I was slowly destroying my whole body.


I wrote this when I saw something about a kid who had down syndrome.
I realize how hard it is to be in any condition.
Life is just too precious.

I realized how lucky I was actually I always did to some degree however I was always scared something would happen that would take it all away from me. The funny thing is I took my own luck away from me. No one else did.
Wow I'm posting a lot lately. Too much to think about I guess.

All day and night all I want to do is pray for science to advance quick enough to save me from this misery I'm dealing with everyday. I feel like I'm dying ever so slowly. I just need to be helped. I know I'm depressed but for me the issue at least the one that is actually stopping me from functioning as a human basically both as a person and to society is not mental. It's not a struggle that is mental disorder or something I'm clear on knowing what's my problem which is why I never went to see a therapist or psychiatrist. Because my problem is more physical. Yes there are days when I keep thinking I wish I could go back, this is all my fucking fault, and it is. But if I can cure my health and body function I don't think I would think that anymore. I would just think wow, I'm the happiest man right now. Sounds pathetic but very true.

I hate my mistakes and I hate dealing with my consequences.
I sit here loving life avoiding everyone that I miss because I think my life will get better at some point, but sadly. I'll never be normal again. I wish I had learned as I grew up or when I was born that mistakes and consequences go hand in hand. That every action will affect you along the way. They all accumulate. There is no such thing as fixing things you have screwed up. I feel if I grew up with that knowledge I would be a much happier person I would have thought about my life more and made myself much more happy because I wouldn't do things or at least not things big enough to make myself in the situation I am. I wouldn't compromise my health and body and function for things that right now as I think about it don't even matter. I wouldn't do stupid crap as if it didn't affect my life. I would have talked to someone probably my mom about my problems younger so they never would have gone this bad. I wish I would have listened to my grandmas and their little advice that actually make so much sense now. I wish I would have just thought more as a child that no matter what I do I will be affected. I wish I knew everything I did came with a consequence. I wish I had more common sense and knowledge. I know I would have still made choices that maybe aren't so great but if I had more knowledge those choice might just be on small things that didn't matter on a large scale. The choices I've made have basically shaped me into a messed up person on a large scale. I'm sure there are people that have no regrets. I wish I was one of those people. There are a lot of reasons why. To me I think I would be happy if the choices I make even if they were bad as long as they didn't affect me like how my choices have affected my life and how messed up I've become. Not only have they affected me as a person but because of that I compromised my health, body and function.

I feel like I'm getting closer to my mom. But at the same time I think I'm slipping as myself. I'm telling her all my problems. I realized how much I love my mom even though we've had so many fights. I wish I could just relive the time with her again. I never realized how important she was to me until it's too late. Until I am in a messed up situation like I'm in right now.
I wish I could just tell her I'm okay and that everything I'm going through right now don't matter, because I'm better. But I can't. I hate that I have to tell her the truth because she wouldn't want it any other way. I hate that we can't just sit down at dinner and eat like we used to. I see her hurt inside and out and it's hurting me as well.

I've become so unstable. My health is deteriorating day by day. I just wish I could hug my sister again and give her advice on life. I feel like I have but at the same time it feels like it's all so pointless because I can't even help myself and it's saddening.
I have headaches almost everyday and night. I'm dying so much inside that it's not funny anymore. I wish I could just go back. I wish I could go through life with no regrets and no thinking sadly about my past. I want to live a life where I can look back at happiness in my past. But sadly there isn't much besides regret in my past. When I leave this earth I'm going to miss everyone even those I might have not been so fond of. I wish I would have lived an non regretful life.

I think that was my ultimate goal in life. I kept on trying trying to do things in life. But the most important thing was something I didn't see until too late in life.
TO live a non regretful and happy life. Not to look into the past for sadness but happiness. And to look forward to the future. Sadly I've created too many mistakes and regrets in my life that I can't live that life. I'll filled the void with mistakes and regrets.

I just wish someone could save me. I just wish someone could take away all my pain. I wish I could just relive my life. Why can't it happen? If not than why did I not find out the true goal in life until it was too late? Why am I so stupid? I just wish to have been able to get a second chance to live life. I know this time I would never make the same mistakes. This time I would love myself. I would cherish my health, body, and function. I would never compromise anything for those things. I would never let myself have a regret or make a mistake. Or at least I'd try my best so that it wouldn't be anything that is big enough to affect my life, or quality of it. This time I would make it right. I would never do anything that could hurt myself or others. I would never let people's comments bother me or let society make me feel so bad that I have to mess up my health, body and function to get what is SUPPOSEDLY better. I would never have anything that I would consider dying over. I would never be depressed enough to fall into destruction. I would never be able to let anything affect me to the point where I am now.

Basically I wish I could be what I never was as a child. I wish I was strong. I wish I was smart. I wish I was everything that I'm not. I don't want to have a lot of money anymore. I don't need to be the most handsome. I just want to live life happy, healthy, with a healthy body and normal function. I just want no regrets and basically everything I stated before this. I don't need anything spectacular. I just want something so simple in life. Something I realize now that we all strive for as humans. Or at least I was to some degree. Something that I was blinded from seeing because I was too focus on doing whatever without thinking. I never thought so I got blinded from the goal in my life. Now it's too late. There's just so much damage. All I can do is pick up the pieces. Of what's left of me.

I just wish I could wake up and it will all be good. But it's not. I cry myself to sleep every night or I try to make myself tired watching tv or whatever distracts me partially until I get so tired I just have to sleep. I'm fading. I just want to wake up as a baby again and live my life again. This time I'll do it right. If not I would have at least gotten the second chance. Sometimes I wish there was a higher power listening to all of this and granting wishes. I just wish this was the truth.

I wish I was a better person. I wish I had such simple things in life because that's all I care about anymore. I don't need the big stuff. I'm just feel like I'm losing it more and more everyday.

I'm slowly dying. Inside and out. I just want to cry. But I can't. I wish I could fix what I did in the past. I wish I didn't do what I did in the past. I fucking hate this. Just after all the tribulations and when I realize as much of the problems I have had at least I was healthy and functioning now I don't even have that and it's all my fault. I put myself in danger. I hate myself.

Please to whoever can hear me out there please let me heal. I want to take back time. I wish I could go back in time and did things differently. I hate myself so much and I'm so destroyed. I'm dying, please help me! Please Please...save me. Someone help me. Please I wish I could go back but now I'm just stuck in a life like this at first I used to be sad about so many things that I did that I didn't even think would slowly bring my health and body function into destruction. I just don't know what to do. I'm slipping and fading so quickly. I feel like I had so much more to live for. My life would have been so much better and as much as it isn't I would have one thing going for me and now again I've made stupid mistakes and screwed myself over. Sorry to whoever I can apologize to, I just wish to go back and just not ever have to feel like I put my life in jeopardy again. Please just if not that just let my body by healthy and function again. PLEASE that's all I ask for now. I don't need money. I don't need to be the best. I just need to be healthy and functioning. Please. Please. Save me.

my health is being endangered. I feel so stupid. SO FUCKING stupid. One year of wrong doing and this is where I'm at. I hope I get better. I'm scared my kidney's my body. Please god save me!

I regret the past two years. I hate myself. I hate the mistake that has now cost me everything. I can't sleep at night because of it. I just realized when I got this livejournal I also dug my own grave. Sad but true. I wish I had been thinking over my actions while writing in this thing but sadly I wasn't thinking. Thanks to everyone that had given me advice. However this is more than just simply hating my ugly. I literally ruined my body. More specifically a part of it.

When I first started my journal which I wanted something like this for a while I had one but this is more open posts. I say exactly how I feel here. I don't try to be happy if I am not.
However I wanted to do this probably a while ago before fall of 2007 when I started I probably wanted one since back in 2006 or 2005 when I had a huge breakdown. Or maybe I'm just thinking that I wanted one. But I feel it's not like this depression just HIT me like outta no where I probably had these breakdowns since like forever. I just never expressed it to anyone.

However I do have to say I'm probably someone that will always live in my regrets. Just as I write this post and re-read Fall 2007 I realized as much as I was upset about my acne and the regrets I've had and mistakes I've made and just overall things like not getting a job has made me regret things but no where as bad as I am now. I literally regrett what I've done probably from november 2007 or december 2007 or january 2008 on. It's someting that can never be undone and I wish I hadn't have done it. Now because of that I will never truly be happy. Before I had a lot of shit as well but not so much where I would almost feel like I was dying inside. I had stuff going on but no where near this extreme. I just feel like I'm going to die. It feels as if I've been hurting myself or purposely breaking my arms and legs and now I regret it but the damage is done and I can't walk again or my wrists will always have a scar. Or worst surgery will make it even worst than it is. So many risks. I can't help but feel my insecurities have driven me over the edge and now that I've fallen but haven't died just broken every bone in my body and I'm paralyzed and my body doesn't function healthy anymore. I'm no longer able to do what people usually are able to do. I am not able to function. I can't go to the bathroom I can't take a shower. I can't go anywhere without having feeling immense self-guilt.

If I could turn back time I'd do it. I'd relive my life. But even just reliving my last year or two semesters of school before this one would be even better. I think part of the reason is when you you've cut yourself or when you did something that hurt yourself in any way it's the hardest because you did it to yourself. No one else did it. YOU did it. You were responsible for your horrible choices. You are responsible for your poor judgement. It's not like when you have someone to blame because you don't. It's something and a problem you gave yourself. No one else gave it to you, but you. I think that's the hardest thing to accept in life. If only a body would heal on it's own, but what if it was healing and you did more damage? Then it's you again and this time you've permanently given yourself damage. I feel so reckless. I feel so alone but most of all I feel so stupid. I keep thinking of what if and regrets. I know I shouldn't but when it's all on you it's not as easy not to think of it. And it seems all along my problems were because of me. Acne was me not eating healthy. And etc etc. I hate myself because of it. I know now and I think that counts for something. I can help people, but the problem is I can't even help myself.